My dream of you died today. This dream was made up of childlike innocence and a belief in fairytales carefully concealed in the creases of my being. A dream of forever and growing old together, watching our children grow and explore their world as young adults. Being there when they marry and have children of their own. I do not know when I lost faith in this dream or when I gave up hoping. I do not think there was any one defining moment. Over time this dream faded and morphed and changed.
I made a conscious decision to quit believing in fairytales at some point in our marriage. I told myself that fairytales were foolish and that they are just hopeless stories that we tell our children filling them with senseless unattainable ideas of what love is. In fact I once probably very cynically told someone that we were teaching girls incorrectly to believe in prince charming as no such person exists. I even espoused that we should be teaching them to find their own happiness independent of a prince charming.
No matter what the mind says, the heart still yearns for the fairytale no matter how improbable. Funny the narratives we tell ourselves isn’t it? That one must make the best of what they have been given. My life is better than most. He loves me in his own way. It doesn’t matter that he isn’t a touch feely kind of guy. I accept him for who he is. The only thing I didn’t realize at the time is that in accepting you for who you were I would end up not being true to myself and that in the process my wishes, my hopes, my desires would take a backseat to yours.
I believed in you. I believed in the goodness of your heart. I knew it was there. I knew it and I defended this to those around me who doubted it. In the process of loving you, some parts of this goodness was unearthed and made more accessible but there were limitations. Limitations that I didn’t fully get or even want to accept. I knew that you did not truly understand what love was, that you had not experienced the full embrace of unconditional love. I don’t think I ever really understood the damage. There is a certain sadness and heartache in this. I felt this for you and knew the ache of what you felt. I can however never really know what this growing up was like for you and all that you had experienced for I realize that you never actually verbalized the childhood you experienced. I believe it is something you wanted to leave behind and move on from. The thing is when we never acknowledge something, name it and recognize it for what it is we actually continue to carry it around with us where it hides and lurks about never being fully exposed and in the process we have allowed it to remain in power, to have some hold over us. Only when we name something, can we then begin the process of understanding and letting it go and then, and only then, does it no longer hold any power over us.
Funny in the process of loving someone how we sometimes lose sight of who we are. I did this. I invested in you. I bent over backward to try and please you and be what you wanted. This was a gradual process. More of an erosion that occurs overtime. We never really know that it is taking place until someone or something draws our attention to it and we look back and see what has taken place. I loved you. I stood by you in everyway that I knew how. Somehow in the process I lost my voice. I quit expressing what I felt and in some ways what I thought because I knew from past experience that they were not received and eventually I learned not to go there. The process seemed counterproductive and after all I wanted to keep the peace. To make this work. I had been given many blessings and I thought my blessings outweighed what I was losing. In actuality, I don’t believe I even realized what I was losing but there is a longing in the soul that after awhile cannot be quieted and it often sends us on a quest of understanding and growing, and uncovering of the mysteries that surround us. Our eyes are opened to the majesties that surround and enlighten us moving us farther to the stirrings of our soul. In this there is insurmountable joy. I think it might be comparable to the exhilaration of flying. The thought and belief that anything is possible, that there are no restrictions, that freedom exists from every expanse of the Universe.
There are always words that come into play but I have since then come to the understanding that words are meaningless unless there is action behind them. And after continually believing in you, of having unwavering faith that there would be action a devastating hurt happens which jolts us out of this hope and belief and we realize that words are worth only the paper that they are written on. Hurts can be forgiven but when the desire is to keep things as a status quo that is when the curtain is drawn back and we see with clear eyes what has been hidden so very cleverly. That to do anything differently is too hard, to invest in me is too great of an imposition. When the tables are turned and it is now your turn to invest, to build up, to steer the ship you are unable and unwilling to take the wheel. This at the very least feels like a slap in the face. I tell myself that it has nothing to do with my worth and that it has everything to do with you and what you desire and what you believe yourself capable of.
I have hurt you too. For that I am extremely sorry. I thank you for my girls. They are beautiful. They are insightful and have a certain spirit about them that cannot be contained. I thank you for the time that we had together. Which was exactly half of my lifetime. That doesn’t even seem possible. On one level this makes me sad because of what has ended and all that had been invested and is now lost and on another level I try to tell myself to look at the good, to appreciate that time and what would not have been experienced if it had not been. People sometimes like to use mistake to describe something that doesn’t turn out the way they thought, however, I will not accept that our time together was ever a mistake. I believe that we were meant to be together otherwise we wouldn’t have been. Our children would not have been and I know in my heart that they were put here to change their part of the world. No, not a mistake. We both grew in our own ways which brought us to a crossroads. We didn’t envision this crossroads 25 years ago but still here it is. With this crossroads a dream that began ever so many years ago has died. Other dreams will take it’s place. I am reminded of the Sufi prayer, “Shatter my heart so a new room can be created for a Limitless Love.” The heart has been shattered and room is being made, a new dream, a new way of being. A painful process yes. If done right, limitless love will be the new dream. Thank you for the many blessings of this life we had together. Thank you for the dream. Simply, thank you.
When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse
to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle pox;
when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,
I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering;
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?
And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,
and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,
and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does,toward silence,
and each body a lion of courage and something
precious to the earth.
When its over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When its over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.
I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.
Mary Oliver
I was introduced to this reading during a meditation I was at a week or so ago. I loved it and decided I needed to share it. I was particularly struck by the image of a bride being married to amazement and being a bridegroom opening ones arms wide inviting the world. Something to ponder and rollover on the tongue letting the words uncover what moves within your being. What a grand thought and accomplishment to be married to amazement. What if this were your life’s calling? What a blessing that would be. There would be no greater way to have lived, for in amazement we discover the breath of life.
I went to The Well today. The funny thing is I wasn’t even sure why I went. Really, I feel like I have been walking around in a haze and on some level not exactly knowing it. Kind of like I have been numb and blind and just feeling my way around in the darkness. After my visit to The Well, it was as if the fog had been lifted and dawning came over me that I found myself at The Well because my cup had become empty and I ever so desperately needed to have it refilled.
With this thought, I was reminded of a song that I grew up with in church choir entitled Fill My Cup, Lord. I always loved this song and still do. Just singing it in someway filled my cup. The first verse is my favorite. “Like the woman at the well I was seeking for things that could not satisfy and then I heard my Savior speaking “Draw from my well that never shall run dry”. Fill my cup, Lord, I lift it up, Lord…come and quench this thirsting of my soul. Bread of heaven, feed me till I want no more. Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole.
I forget that it is not the earthly things that last or endure. The things of the flesh that man strives for, even kills for, are not what feeds the soul. They will, in the end leave one empty and unfulfilled, unless a real investment is made in the things that do indeed feed the soul and fill one up.
The amazing thing is that I didn’t ask Him to do this, He just did it. He knew that I have been floundering and directed me to The Well knowing that I would receive what I needed. I did need to heed his messages and take action of course and I found myself rewarded with Him filling my cup once again. How fantastic is that?
At The Well on this particular day a story was being shared. A well-known story. One that never had really any significant meaning to me. It was the story of Hansel and Gretel. As a child the only meaning I took from it was how cruel it was of parents to lead their children out into the woods and abandon them there. And to know in my heart of hearts that they should not be eating of the candy that they found on the house in the woods. This reeked of evil about to happen and I so much wanted to shout at them, run, run as fast as you can and never come back. In the end of course, they triumph over evil and return home with their riches.
However, on this particular day I was left with a whole new perspective that has continued to stick with me. One, it is a story of personal growth and independence. The children start out as being dependent on their parents. But as the story goes this changes. The first time they are led out to the woods they manage to find their way back because they dropped stones to show the way. This perhaps was just a practicing of independence. Not quite ready to be independent. Maybe a trial run. And then the second time, bread crumbs are dropped and these are quickly snatched up by the creatures of the forest and they have no way of finding their way back and returning to their home. This is a forced independence. One that they know must happen.
I am reminded of my own journey into independence when I started college. I purposely chose a college that was far enough away from my hometown that I would not be able to return easily as I knew that I was very attached to my family and to break that tie and come to my own independence would be a difficult one. My plan worked and I remained with my wings out stretched.
The greatest image I have is of two children searching for these bread crumbs, desperately wanting to find the way they came but knowing they cannot and therefore, they must forge a new path. One that is unknown to them. This takes courage. I know, for I very much feel like a child who is desperately looking for the bread crumbs to lead me down the path I came from. This is familiar, this is what I know, this is what is comfortable. However, the bread crumbs are gone, destroyed, eaten, gobbled up by the past that no longer serves. Here I stand in the middle of the deep dark forest, afraid and with big eyes and a quivering breath wondering what it is I am to do. Choose a new path. Forge a new path. This is a daunting thought. I am filled with fear, I realize this. I know it in every fiber of my being. What can I do? Exhale and with each exhale empty myself of this fear that has filled me and go to my Lord and ask Him to fill me with His Spirit, His hope, love and grace.
Somehow, in this filling I know I will be able to take a step on this unknown path of the forest floor. It may not be gigantic. It is a step nonetheless. I will keep taking steps no matter how big or little and one day I will look back and find this beautiful enormous path that I have traveled. Even on that day, I know there will be no going back, there will be other paths and adventures to forge. I will thank my God for the blessing of this journey and the richness that surrounds me. My life is not one of lack but of possibilities which makes me very rich indeed.
The other part of the story that stuck with me is when Hansel and Gretel need to find a way across the lake. They see a swan that will ferry them across. Hansel wants Gretel to ride across with him but Gretel tells him no that this is part of the journey that must be traveled alone. The storyteller indicated that this was because during certain parts of our journey no one can travel with us or cheer us on. This part of the journey we travel alone for this is where we grow and transform.
At this moment, this particular day I feel the weight of being very much alone. I feel like I am experiencing something that no one truly understands. They do not know the magnitude of my feelings. The great sorrow and fear that has filled me. I feel very much like I did on the day that I received the news that the baby I was carrying did not have a heartbeat and would not be delivered into this world as a happy precious gift. I remember driving with tears streaming down my face. I saw all the people walking by, driving by with their own concerns, without any knowledge of the loss that suffocated me. I felt alone and isolated thinking that these people could not be bothered with my pain. Did not want to be bothered with it and yes in many ways I was angry for this. I was angry because they went about their lives without skipping a beat, not knowing. Continuing to live and experience their perfect little lives.
What if we did know the pain of those around us? Really felt it. Then what? Would our feeling this pain be able to help them shoulder it? Or is it like the story and now is not the time. For growth and transformation to occur we and we alone shoulder the pain and loss that ultimately chisels its way around us and through us and transforms us. I have found myself wishing sometimes that we humans took lessons from geese. They fly in a V formation with the strong flier in the front and they break the force of the wind for the other geese flying in formation so it is not as hard for them to fly. And when the lead goose grows tired another bird takes its place allowing it to rest. Wouldn’t that be great? When we grew weary of making our way, someone, a trusted friend maybe even more treasured a complete stranger would come and take over and give us rest. Would it be better? Would it be greater?
I’m not sure. Maybe this would rob us of golden transformation and growth and where would we find ourselves? Would we be lost in the forest frozen by fear not knowing where to go? As much as I feel alone, I know that moments in time are transforming. I know that He fills me up and gives me strength. I will give myself a moment’s pause to feel the fear that fills me, all the pain and sorrow that has come my way. I put it on and I am filled with this as well and I cry. I sob. Tears fall without any rhyme or reason. I become immobilized. I cannot move from the spot where I have placed myself. I know that I should. My brain says its okay just move. My body does not respond. I cannot will it to respond. I do not have the strength. Every muscle limb feels excruciatingly heavy. So I remain. And even when I think I am spent another wave of tears brim to the surface and fall again. Today is an endless fount of tears. I feel them. I am awash in the ocean of these tears. My eyes are burning, red and swollen and I am more exhausted than I believe I have ever been.
Duty calls to me and only then do I rouse myself to move. Not easy or welcome but I finally manage to respond, to get my body and my brain to function together. It is oddly strange. Feeling as if no one sees you and you are just watching like a movie that passes in front of you. Or maybe, it is like being invisible and no one hears or sees you with action taking place all around you. Take your pick. The feeling is one of being detached.
In this rousing, I know that God calls to me. He has been telling me all day that He will take care of me. That I need to have faith and not worry. I didn’t want to listen. Or maybe I just needed to go through this so that I could listen or really believe what He was telling me. Like I told a friend. It is one thing to say you have faith, it is quite another to actually live it. One is words and another is actually living and breathing it. As I take this in, I ask to be filled up once more from the well that shall never run dry. I take comfort in this and solace in the fact that God led me to The Well. He will lead me to a new path. I need only have faith that He will and keep asking Him to fill me up. Go to The Well. You just might be sustained by what you find there.
I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times…
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, it’s age old pain,
It’s ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star, piercing the darkness of time.
You become an image of what is remembered forever.
You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers,
Shared in the same shy sweetness of meeting,
the distressful tears of farewell,
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.
Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you
The love of all man’s days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life.
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours-
And the songs of every poet past and forever.
-Rabindranath Tagore
Every
Child
Has Known God,
Not the God of names,
Not the God of don’ts,
Not the God who ever does
Anything weird,
But the God who only knows four words
And keeps repeating them, saying:
“Come dance with Me”
Come
Dance. — Hafiz
How many times throughout the day do we hear this calling? How many times do we deny it and busy ourselves with something else that we feel compelled to get done? There is no greater call then this. Hear it, surrender to it and humbly dance with Him and see where He will lead you. The beauty that awaits you is unparalleled. Simply dance with Him and discover what you have long forgotten and reconnect to who you are and who you are becoming. You are an amazing work of art that becomes more refined and polished with each dance. Answer the call. Your being is hungry for this. Dance and allow your soul to be fed. Simple, breathtaking and beautiful. Dance.
We all have a dreaming tree that speaks to us. Sometimes it is challenging to hear and takes courage to still oneself long enough to hear it calling to us, beckoning us to it.
Courage. It is a word that came to me quite unexpectedly today. I’m not really sure what I want to do with the word. The funny thing is this evening as I have been reading and sitting with myself that word…courage has come to me over and over again. I believe that I want to make it a part of me. I’m not sure. Which somehow left me wondering what the actual meaning of the word is. I looked it up and this is what I found. Courage is the ability to do something that frightens one. Courage is the ability to do something that you know is difficult or dangerous. Courage is the mental or moral strength to venture, persevere and withstand danger, fear or difficulty. This small word, courage, is pretty empowering.
Thinking about courage brings to mind the Harry Potter series that my youngest daughter and I started reading together. Harry Potter and his two best friends embody the word courage. I find these stories amazing especially when I consider the age of Harry and his friends which is starting at the age of 10 or 11. I don’t know how many children around that age would display the courage that is found within these characters. It is truly mesmerizing and spell binding. I often think about how wonderful it would be to have the courage of Harry Potter. It makes me wonder if one is born with this type of characteristic or if one is thrown into it or grows into it due to circumstances.
I know that I am courageous about certain things. If I am faced with an issue where I must take immediate action, some sort of danger, I am able to move and not think twice. I just do what needs to be done. If I need a solution to a problem, my mind is able to sift through all sorts of ideas or scenarios and come up with one that ultimately works. In the midst of a stressful situation, I am able to keep my wits about me. I do not become paralyzed with inaction. The strange thing is that it isn’t something I consciously think about. Something in me just takes over. I find myself wishing that I could somehow harness the chemical reaction that is taking place so that I could replicate this same courage when I needed it at other times.
For it is in the moments that are more subtle, that sneak up on me, that don’t have a vivid outline of danger. The moments that are more obscure and occur over time that sometimes lulls me into complacency. That being comfortable is somehow better than facing the dreaming tree not realizing the subtle danger that exists in this thought. The unknown can represent a very subtle danger to me especially when it comes to stepping outside the box and maybe rebuilding my life as I have known it. This is most where I need courage and this is most when I feel it failing me. It somehow feels like it isn’t something that I can call upon, it just either happens or it doesn’t. I know that this is fear continuing to speak within me. It takes courage to see the light among the shadows dance. At times I see it well and call it out. Other times I hide under it, wrap myself in it and close my eyes resting in it wondering if courage will find me. And what if in these moments I am actually breaking down old beliefs that no longer serve who I am or who I am becoming.
I’m reading a book entitled When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. In it she talks about this quote, Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. Sit with this for a few moments and allow these words to penetrate your being. It took me a couple of times of reading it over and just allowing it to wash over me before there was an opening and I was able to accept the profoundness and beauty of this. So possibly when I am pulling back from the shadows a metamporphisis is taking place, an annihilation of sorts. In the third book of Harry Potter there is a Phoenix in the story and that when the time calls the Phoenix bursts into flames and then is reborn from the ashes. Quite a vivid picture when you think about it. What could be more amazing and courageous then being reborn from ashes. Annihilation of what no longer serves allows for rebirth.
During these times courage finds us and we are drawn to the dreaming tree. I find myself at the base of this tree with a completely blank vessel. What is it that I have been dreaming of? What is it that I desire most? What is it that is calling to me? What is the dreaming tree whispering to me? It takes great courage to find oneself face to face with the dreaming tree. The possibilities are endless and can create a good deal of fear and questioning. Courage is called for. Courage is what is needed to stand in the presence of the dreaming tree. Where will your courage take you? Will you find your way to the base of the dreaming tree as well allowing annihilation of those things that no longer serve, leaning into what the dreaming tree has to offer and being reborn from the ashes of what has been let go? Let courage lead you and listen to the whispers of the dreaming tree and trust the dreams that are brought to you. Courage and the dreaming tree make exquisite partners.
My mother called today. Calls between us these days are rather rare. We used to touch base quite regularly and over time that has changed. I’m not sure why. Life gets busy I guess. Even with this there as been a certain connection between us. We seem to always call when the other one needs it most. Unexplainable but true.
I have had what I have come to know as a rare relationship with my mother. I have discovered much later in life that many of my friends had somewhat turbulent relationships with their mothers especially during their teenage growing up years. Me, I never experienced that with my mother. I respected her. She was and is a rare jewel. She was my mother and as I grew in to adulthood she became my friend and remains as such. Through her example she taught me to love and to forgive. She also encouraged me to be me. My life was never about her. She gave me my life and then allowed me to explore it. She supported me in whatever I wanted to do.
This phone call she made got me to thinking about how much I love her and the many things she has taught me. She may not know it but she is responsible for many of the qualities I have today. My mother has not had an easy life. She has encountered many struggles. She suffered the loss of a child before my birth. I had a sister named Marcia that I never knew. There were times she talked about it with me and even though she was very much composed I could still sense the pain and loss that she still felt. She knew as she carried this child that it would not live. Any woman who has had this sense knows the trauma and heartache that this knowledge causes. It is a knowing that you try to share with others and no one quite understands or takes it serious. They chalk it up to nonsense or unwarranted worries or concerns. This makes the journey even more difficult. And yet somehow you traverse it only to have your feelings confirmed in the end. My sister lived a day. My mom wanted to make sure that she was baptized and after she was, she left this world.
I have encountered loss with losing a child but not like this. It is unimaginable to me the courage that one must have to survive this. To somehow have your conversations with God, to be angry, to sob and to let go and still somehow keep on loving and trusting. Not only did my mom suffer the loss of a child she also suffered the loss of a dream for two of her children. My oldest brothers are mentally handicapped. Something that was not evident right at birth but that became apparent as they grew. Anyone who has a child that doesn’t fit the standard of what people consider normal know the battle that one must endure. At this time children who were mentally handicapped were expected to be put in an institution. My parents refused and raised them in their home and loved them as no one else could have.
I realize how difficult this was for her. As mothers we want our children to grow up and have adventures along the way and form who they are. This would not happen with my brothers. Even though they are in their 50’s they will forever be young children. My mother must have asked why many times to God. She never shared that with me. Perhaps she didn’t, maybe she just accepted. I know in her family it would have been very difficult when her brothers and other family members had “normal children”, she did not. Still through all of this my mother remained strong and convicted.
She suffered growing up with a father who she considered to be abusive. She was the only girl and she had three brothers who were not very kind to her as well. She learned how to drive even though her father did not want her to. She became a nurse and I believe she was quite a talented one at that. Even though I obviously did not witness this I know she was because my mother cares about people. Genuinely cared and only wanted the best for them. She recently has shared stories with me of people who she looked out for and still to this day I see that their pain made an impact on her. It could not have been easy for her caring as much as she did and still she did because to do otherwise would have been like going against the grain of who she truly was.
My mom gave up something she really loved and believed in to raise her children. No one wanted to care for two boys that were handicapped. Sometimes I wonder how much of herself she had to give up but on the other hand I also wonder how much she gained in these experiences that she has had. I suspect it is a little bit of both. She lost some parts of herself and also gained some parts that she never even knew existed. My mom is quite selfless.
I have witnessed her invest in her grandchildren endlessly. She loves them effortlessly. She embraces their faults, smudges and shortcomings and sees their greatness. I had friends that my mother very easily took in and treated as her own. There was no pretense with my mother. She embraced everyone and was very good at seeing beyond the obvious to what was hidden underneath. My mother has never cared much about things, only people. Many times I would be concerned that my kids would spill paint or make a mess of something. My mother didn’t much care. I would watch her in amazement as she would patiently teach one to sew or help them to bake or work on a craft project. Messes could be cleaned up but these teaching moments, building moments wouldn’t always be there. She took the opportunity and embraced them, saw them and valued them most above everything else.
My mother had said to me before that children were really not our own. That they were on loan to us from God. That a parents job was to raise them and teach them in the best way they could. That their time with us was fleeting. I remember thinking that this was pretty profound and really I still do especially since I am a mom with a teenager that will be graduating in four years. Not only do I see the wisdom of these words I feel it as well. At some point in my adult life she also told me to do things for myself and to treat myself to things. I know this was because given the choice my mother did without and would put other people’s needs first. She saw me repeating the same patterns in my life and I think she wanted more for me and knew the best gift one gives is to honor themselves and to take care of themselves. That without this one can never be filled back up. Perhaps she thought it was too late for her and didn’t want it to be too late for me.
She also used to joke that she didn’t know where I came from. She said this because she didn’t think I was like the rest of the family. I never was offended by this I know that she meant it as a compliment. I’m not sure why she ever said this. Maybe because I challenged traditional thinking, I asked lots of questions especially about God and religion, I didn’t just accept things as they were. Looking back on things now, though I think this may be the one thing that my mother got wrong. I am very much like her. She taught me to care and look out for people especially those who could not look out for themselves. She taught me to love with an open heart and that everyone is deserving. She taught me honesty and perseverance. She taught me courageousness and to be giving. How did she teach me this? I learned it from watching her.
My mother is the most graceful and beautiful person I know. I value everything she has taught me and everything she has been to me. I only hope that I will have half the grace and beauty that she possesses. I know that my days with my mother on this earth are limited. The thought of this makes me sad and I know that when this day comes my world will be a little bit darker and smaller. I will not have only lost my mother but I will have lost my best friend, mentor and the most valuable jewel I have ever had in my life. Knowing this I am making a vow to call my mother. She knows that I love her. I’m not sure she knows what a blessing she has been to me in this life and I very much want her to know. When I call we will laugh and share our troubles, maybe even cry and I will share with her how much God has blessed me through her.
Who will you call today? Who has blessed you and loved you in such a way that they have filled you with grace and beauty? Please tell them for there can be no greater blessing then to know how one has impacted someone’s life in such a grand way. Return the blessing and call.
Fear is the cheapest room in the house.
I would like to see you living
In better conditions,
For your mother and my mother
Were friends.
I know the Innkeeper
In this part of the universe.
Get some rest tonight,
Come to my verse again tomorrow.
We’ll go speak to the Friend together.
I should not make any promises right now,
But I know if you
Pray
Somewhere in this world–
Something good will happen.
God wants to see
More love and playfulness in your eyes
For that is your greatest witness to Him.
Your soul and my soul
Once sat together in the Beloved’s womb
Playing footsie
Your heart and my heart
Are very, very old
Friends.–Hafiz
Such beautiful and powerful words. It just makes me want to rest in them. To mull them over in my head and have the words tumble out of my mouth and off my lips over and over again. Somehow in the repetition of it, it becomes more magnified, powerful and moving. Rest in these words and allow them to work in you and through you and feel what moves inside of you.
I can so easily give myself to fear and yet do I really want to go there? Afterall, they are the cheapest seats in the house. Nothing good can happen there. I have faith and if I give into fear it is like trading in the best seats in the house for the worst. This is not where I want to be. Fear of the unknown, fear of someone who is different or threatens us. Let the mask fall away and really what remains? Our sameness, our connection, friendship and love, the beauty of our souls dancing together. The connection of who we really are, of where we really came from and the Divine smiles when we remember this.
Do we believe that somehow God wants our life to be drudgery and filled with adversity. He does not. He wants to see love and playfulness in our eyes for this is a witness to Him. Wow! This is like getting a permission slip to go on a field trip, or a passport and airline tickets to travel around the world. Do you literally feel the weight being lifted from you? God wants you to enjoy your life. To revel and play in its beauty, its lightness and laughter. Embrace all that has been given to you and breathe into it. Live this life and live it well. Find your happiness and what calls to you. God expects no more from you. Believe it and you will find the connection of all the other souls that share your heart and have been old friends.
I have loved in life and I have been loved.
I have drunk the bowl of poison from the hands of love as nectar, and have been raised above life’s joy and sorrow.
My heart, aflame in love, set afire every heart that came in touch with it.
My heart has been broken and again made whole;
My heart has been wounded and healed again;
A thousand deaths my heart has died, and thanks be to love, it lives yet.
I went through hell and saw there love’s raging fire,
and I entered heaven illumined with the light of love.
I wept in love and made all weep with me;
I mourned in love and pierced the hearts of men;
And when my fiery glance fell on the rocks, the rocks burst forth as volcanoes.
The whole world sank in the flood caused by my one tear;
With my deep sigh the earth trembled, and when I cried aloud the name of my beloved,
I shook the throne of God in heaven.
I bowed my head low in humility, and on my knees I begged of love,
“Disclose to me, I pray thee, O love, thy secret.”
She took me gently by my arms and lifted me above the earth, and spoke softly in my ear,
“My dear one, thou thyself art love, art lover,
and thyself art the beloved whom thou hast adored”.
-Hazrat Inayat Khan
How often we forget who we really are. We are love. We are the love that we endlessly seek. So perhaps we quit seeking and instead look inside to find exactly what we have been searching for all along. What a beautiful blessing to have whispered in one’s ear “Thou thyself are love, are lover, and thyself are the beloved who thou hast adored”. The energy of it is mesmerizing and filled with peace and contentment. And somehow in that contentment lies a letting go of something that has been pulling and dragging at the soul. This letting go allows for the love that resides within to be seen, felt and experienced. It truly is a Dance of the Soul. One that should be made over and over again.
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