My soul has grown weary of this life of mine. Darkness surrounds me and I cannot see or feel the light. I am in the pit. I am in the pit of despair of which I seem unable to drag myself out of. I am forever stuck in the “what if’s” that swirl around my head and all the fears that the “what ifs” create. I am quite literally stuck. I know as I converse with You that I am the only one that can get myself unstuck. However, I do not feel that I have the energy to even lift my head off the pillow let alone the strength and courage to drag myself to the surface where there is sunlight.
Someone once told me that the sun will rise tomorrow. That is indeed true, however, what does it say when I care neither that it does or doesn’t. Life has lost its vibrancy. I see black and white where there once were colors that entranced and enticed. My soul aches and cries and I wonder what I have been brought too as I lie crumpled on the floor trying to find some meaning, some reason to rise from the flood of tears that surround me.
You have revealed truth to me in this journey that I have been on. I have tried hard to not struggle against it. To accept it and be in it and believe that it has been a gift that You have granted me. To see with new eyes, as if I was blind before and You have ever so gently removed the scales from eyes. I blink trying to focus and see what is before me as if I am a blind woman seeing for the first time. And I am. I see the nuances of truths and untruths, I see manipulations that were subtle and that I walked right into and accepted, I see the bigger and grander manipulations that have culminated. I see at times where I have failed by buying into these and where I have grown and become stronger by seeing them for what they are and not buying into them, finding my own voice and not wavering from it. I also see that once you begin to see, how many people wish for it not to be so. They try with all their scared and shaking beings to gather up the scales that once were upon on my eyes and place them back on. It is a failure, which causes further gnashing of teeth. This fight, this battle is not hard-won.
I question myself rather than trusting my instincts. I have a tendency to believe the lies and become entrapped in them. Lies are the chains that keep me bound and for each one that I do not accept one more chain is loosened and the adversary does not approve and fights even more to keep the chains bound. I beg of You to give me the discernment to see the lies as they are and not to accept them. I pray that You will give me the strength to stand tall and pull myself from this pit of despair. That you will give me a voice that is strong and loud and clear that says no, I am worth more than this and this is no longer acceptable.
There is never any going back in this life of ours. The hands of time cannot be turned back. All we have is this moment and what we have done up to it. Where does our hope lie? What do we hope in? I put my hope in You and pray that you will show me the way. That You will hold my hand as I pull myself from the pit of despair. That You will shine Your light upon me, place your arms around me and bless me with your grace. At this very moment, it is all that I have. It is what I cling to.
As much as I feel defeated, I also feel blessed. I have learned many lessons in this. They have not nor will they continue to be easy ones. My heart is more understanding and forgiving. I am in no position to judge another nor do I desire to. Each persons life is their life. I have not lived and breathed their experiences and can never again say I would never do that. It is simply not true for I do not know what I would do until I have actually walked it, breathed it and lived it. No man knows what they are capable of until they are faced with it, until it stares them in the face and as they do they are affected by their choice and their circumstances and they are forever changed. Always I hope in the end for something good, for if we never see the goodness in it how do these lessons ever provide benefit.
I have no regrets in the lessons that have come my way for I have lived a lifetime in them. To wish for anything else would be ludicrous and not being true to myself. I have loved deeply and grandly. I laughed freely and openly and I have cried and ached to the depths of my soul. Is this not living? Maybe not comfortable at times but to feel the depths of these emotions is to know that one has been moved and affected greatly by someone or some thing. Is there not great value in this? It is not something that I would have traded. It is valuable and precious and worth more than any treasure on earth.
I thank you for where I have been brought. I pray that You will give me the strength to finish the last few steps that I must walk and that you will give me the confidence to believe in the path that I take and to not waiver from it. I do what I must do and pray that the next day I will have some care in whether the sun rises or not. If I don’t, I will accept it and be okay with it for that is where my heart and being are in that moment. I cannot force things. I can only do what I can do and the rest will unfold around me. I release all my emotions and thoughts to You and place them at Your feet. I pray that You will hold them gently, breathe them in and return them to me after You have discarded any part that was untruth and does not serve me.