The way of love is not
a subtle argument.
The door there
Birds make great sky-circles
of their freedom.
How do they learn that?
They fall, and falling,
they’re given wings.
I have watched many birds make great sky-circles of their freedom. I have watched and admired them from below. I have even in moments of absolute attunement felt myself one with them. Flying and feeling the breath of the wind under my wings and total utter surrender to this feeling of freedom. It is awesome and in order to get there one must fall?
Falling is scary. I don’t do scary. I kick and scream against it. I am afraid to fall. I am terrified to let go of the control that I have. I am standing at the precipice staring down, teetering on the edge and yet I want to cling to what stability there is because I fear the caverns that lie below. The wind is blowing me forward and I feel myself jump back. It is safe away from the edge and I know what to expect. To surrender to falling is an entirely different story. What if my wings don’t work and I crash into the cavern below? What then? Wouldn’t it have been better to stand back and to never surrender, to never seek freedom from falling.
My soul aches for this. It cries to surrender. To have belief, and courage and trust that God is present and in the midst of the fall will give me my wings to soar above the mountaintops. I take one step forward wanting to believe, wanting to trust and then I look below and I’m filled with terror. I can so quickly jump back. This see saw of wanting to fall and fly to not trusting and doubting. How will I ever learn to fly? I must fall first. I MUST fall FIRST. Simple and yet taking the first step seems like certain death and the second step murderous indeed.
I am frozen in terror. Caught in the in between. What lies before me and what lies behind me. How does one convince oneself of the prudence of falling. It seems very reckless. I know God sees me and He whispers in my ear “Trust me” and I very much want to. And I can for a moment and then when it comes time to lift the foot off the ledge I take it back. I find myself not fully trusting. I own it and realize it and then hear “Trust me” again. It renews my spirit and I release my control once again. I’m reminded of something that I read in a book recently by Hugh Prather on Letting Go. God’s name is “I am” not “I will be”. I sat with that one for a long time and it resonated with me and gave me comfort. God is a strong hold, a protector, messenger, guide and everything else in between. He is not working towards these things. He does not have a diploma and now is working towards His masters He is. He is “I am” not “I will be”. He is complete. He is perfect. What a message to send in order to fall.
God says “Let go”. God says “Trust me”. God says “I will catch you and give you wings”. God says “You are my most beloved and I will protect you”. And lastly, God says “I love you. Do not fear”. I hear him and I resubmit myself to this. Each and everyday I find myself having, needing to do this again and again. Sometimes in one day it may be hourly or even minute by minute. This process is never complete for me. I wonder if it ever will be. Maybe only then will I have the courage to fall.
Think about it. Falling is being wide open. Falling is being vulnerable. Falling is being undefended. There is nothing. Only you and the space that you occupy as you fall. I’m sure it is exhilarating and also damn right paralyzing. All thought maybe ceases in that moment and all one is aware of is the sensation of falling and the wind rushing through one’s ears. You squeeze your eyes tight and pray God please catch me. I trust you and as you say this and you continue plummeting you open your arms and feel the resistance of the wind through your hair, against your arms and legs and somehow instead of plummeting to the canyons below you are soaring and it is unlike anything you have experienced before.
Wouldn’t that be worth it? To have this amazing freedom of exploring and seeing and being anything and everything? How fantastic and liberating is that? All one must do is have faith, trust and courage. They are small words that have enormous impact in regard to what they do to our souls. If we truly believe them, receive them and make them a part of ourselves then we will have the courage to take that step off the precipice and allow ourselves to fall. What a beautiful beginning to the story of ones freedom. I am a beautiful flier and oh the work I had to do to get here. And one day when my work was complete I took that one step that led to my being given wings, which gave me my freedom and allowed me to make sky-circles. I feel the wind against my face and it is liberating.
Once you take that first step it isn’t quite so scary and then you become like the birds. It becomes part of your nature, your being and you are able to soar to new heights, new experiences and most of all endearing freedom. No longer bound by any chains that used to hold you from taking that first step. Allow faith, trust and courage to build up inside of you. Let it rest within and grow so that you may fall. It is a bold new beginning. A shedding of what was old and no longer serves you. Embrace this new glorious part of you and fall into its grace for in falling you are truly saved.