Who do I want to be? Before I can answer this question, I think I must first know who I am. And quite simply the answer is that I am a child of God. I have been created by my Father and He loves me. He loves me with all of my imperfections and in fact embraces them. He knows that I am fragile and yet strong at the same time. He sees me. He sees me for all that I am and He sees me for all that I can be. He knew me before I became into being. Psalm 139:13-16 for You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works. And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You. When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.
Sometimes I forget this and how much God values me. I judge myself and all my imperfections. I am harsh with myself. I make a mistake and beat up on myself for having made the mistake. I tell myself I SHOULD have known better. What was I thinking? I expect a great deal of perfection from myself. When I think about it, I really find it quite amazing that I am able to look at someone else and forgive them or not have judgement towards them. I on the other hand find it challenging to find this same non-judgement and acceptance towards myself. For some reason, I hold myself to a higher standard maybe there is pride and haughtiness in this, believing myself better than others. I am broken. I release this, knowing that only by the grace of God go I.
I want to be a child of God that forgives herself, loves herself, accepts herself and finds everything there is about her wonderful and intriguing, to know that I am imperfect and even in all my imperfectness I am worthy of love and to give love.
I want a life that has some meaning, some purpose, that isn’t about cleaning floors, doing the laundry and all the things to check off the list. I know that this is a necessary part of living. I don’t want it to be the existence to living. I want to find that thing that is my purpose, that makes me feel alive, that makes me want to smile and laugh and get out of bed when the sunrises. There is a fear that I will never find it. Maybe such a thing doesn’t exist. I seem to be forever marching in time. Maybe this is all there is to life. You are born, you do a few trivial things in between breaths and then you die.
I want to move people by my words, actions and presence in a deep and meaningful way that will affect others in a positive way. I want to change the world in some small way even though I’m unsure what that is. It seems that any sort of grand thinking died when I was younger. I told myself that any kind of thinking like this was unrealistic. One cannot really change the world. We can only change ourselves and then offer that up to the world and they either take it or they don’t. The world can be changed by our attitude, our beliefs and the way we live our life. When we remove our energy from the collective, the world is changed.
I want a deep personal relationship with my Creator. I want to be able to hear Him speaking to me and to heed His calling not just at prayer time, throughout the course of the day and night. I want this relationship to be obvious as people meet me. Not in an Evangelic way, in a subtle way that people don’t even realize. Just a feeling that they have that they like me and they are unsure why and really it is because they feel the presence of Spirit.
I want to be unafraid. I want to laugh whole heartedly. I want to try new things and even if they turn out not so great say “Oh, well, it was worth a try” and move on neither deterred or upset by the failing. To love and give with my entire being and to receive back just fully.
I want to live life, this day with complete and sheer utter abandon. To let go of limitations of self and just immerse myself into each moment of the day. Savoring each experience, each connection, each smell, taste, breath. To live with no regrets, knowing that I was in the moment of the day and felt every last breath of it. Lived it to its fullest potential and if I died in my sleep it would be blissful because I lived that day, made it part of me and experienced every last bit of it. No fighting or complaining about what came my way. Just pure acceptance and immersement into it.
This is who I desire to be. This is who I am working to be. This is what is calling to me. Who do you want to be? What is calling to you? Who will you be?