Sadness….it envelops me like a shroud. I feel it’s coolness on me caressing my cheek with its silk as tears slip from eyes. I am drowning in the tears that continue to fall unheeded. It is a waterfall of sadness that consumes and the damn has finally broken allowing all the salty tears to flow endlessly, forming a pool of darkness that I have fought to surrender myself to. I no longer fight but immerse myself in the current of waves that come to me wracking my body with sobs. I close my eyes to the darkness and allow it to comfort me. Just for this moment I need this, to grieve what has been and for what may never be. In this surrender, I ask why God has brought me to this? What lessons were I to learn? Maybe, I ask too many questions and do not find enough answers and surrender once again to the sorrow of my tears.
I tell myself that I am not my sadness. That this sadness is just a passerby in time and yet I know that I need to feel it and so I embrace it with every ounce of my being. I do not fight it but submit to it. I sob over things said or left unsaid. I sob over trusting or not trusting enough. I sob over giving selflessly and not receiving. I sob over loving endlessly and not loving enough. Most of all, I sob over having kept my voice quiet for too long and not knowing my worth, for waiting for understanding and acceptance of those who surround me. They say it is those that are closest to us that wound us with great abandon and so I lie upon the ground asking for courage as I bleed from careless words that have been wielded and my heart that has fallen to the ground and shattered from reckless handling.
In my grief, I want to not trust and curse this life of mine. I tell myself that I can go on no longer in this wretched state and I summon every ounce of my being to give thanks to God for what He has brought me to. I am reminded of my bible reading the night before. Ironically, in my despair between tears I read the verse. It is Colossians 1:11. Just the sight of these numbers renews my spirit. I have been having an affair with elevens for many months now. They seem to appear most often when I am in need of support so I know that even in my darkest hour that God and His angels are sending me my own personal message that they are here for me. The verse is as follows: strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power for all patience and long-suffering with joy. And strengthened I am and filled with peace. I know that to put my faith in man is foolish. Man is but human and will falter and fail me but God will never fail, never tires and loves me more than I can even comprehend and because of this my heart will be healed. God will take its shattered and broken pieces and knit them back together. He lovingly holds the pieces in His hand and fits them back together again breathing new life into them, filling them with His love. As my heart has been shattered, I have faith that room has been made that I will be able to love even more.
As I allow this sadness to wash over me, I know that transformations are taking place. I may emerge battered but I am not beaten. I am still me. Different somehow, however, I am still me. I am wiser and dare I say more beautiful than I was before as God has tended to my wounds and healed me. I have allowed His lessons to work within me allowing me to become who I have been called to be. This journey of healing takes time. If not given it’s proper due, damage will be done and transformation is not complete. The streaming of tears will work its way across the soul creating a new landscape. I see where my tears have been and see where they are going. They are being caught and cast with God’s gentle caress where a sanctuary is being created within my soul. A place of residing with great faith, love and hope. A hope that wherever I am led, as long as my faith is in God it will all be counted as good. There are some who say they cannot wait or there is not enough time. I believe this to be a lie. I wait in the Lord knowing that the answers will be given to me and He will strengthen me as He heals me.
This is one of my favorite verses and one that I find quite appropriate at this time. Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. I know this to be true with every fiber of my being. So I will wait on the Lord to heal my wounds and as He does He will strengthen me and I will soar majestically through the tree tops being lifted higher and higher to new possibilities. Where I will fly to is unknown. What is known, is that sadness brought me part of the way and God will carry me the rest of the way.